Posts Tagged ‘Roy’

I know I haven’t written a blogpost in a while, and I’m ok with that, because I use writing as a cathartic release for me to release feelings, frustrations, and all.  In all of it, however, if I can help someone, I’m glad, because my purpose in life is to help others get through their own grief and setbacks (of which I’ve endured many as have so many of you) as well as to rejoice in any and all accomplishments.

Anyway, I’m having a rough day today. I have four children, two sons and one daughter that I gave birth to and then my wonderful son-in-law. I love them all dearly.  I also have one grandson (so far … hint hint … to my daughter and son-in-law … 😏). He is the light of Roy’s and my lives, and he’s most DEFINITELY (at least currently) my very favoritest of favorite little faces.  My second son and middle child died many years ago (as I’ve discussed before). My first son (and oldest child) and I have a very strained relationship.  I haven’t seen him in several years, and it hurts my mother’s heart to the core.  Essentially it feels like I’ve lost both sons, and it hurts beyond belief.

Now don’t get me wrong!  I have a wonderful life (with all of its ups-and-downs), and my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson are sheer joys to Roy and me.  Nevertheless, some days are harder than others, and the weight of it all drags me into a very deep hole until I remember to count my many blessings and carry on.  Life is to be lived and not just existed in or suffered through!

Today however is one of those days where my heart is very heavy. It is my oldest son’s birthday (the one that I haven’t seen in a long time).  He’s 37.  I won’t go into all of the reasons why we haven’t seen each other, because it’s between him and me, but since I can’t see him, I then start thinking of my other son who died when he was 17 of Cystic Fibrosis and how hard we tried to keep healthy, and it hurts that I can’t see either one of them (although I know I will when I move out of this life).  When I get like this, my supportive husband, Roy, along with my wonderful daughter hold me together.  Even though Roy has had his own losses (which I won’t discuss here either since those are his personal losses to discuss or not as the case may be) and my daughter has essentially lost both brothers (since she doesn’t really see her oldest brother either), they are always there for me. I guess that’s why we are so close, because we understand each other’s brokenness.

Anyway … below are the lyrics to a very nostalgic song originally from the 1930s, but it always makes me think of my husband as well as all of my children and grandchildren … whether I can be with them or not.  So here’s to my four children … and to my one grandchild (so far 🙂 ).



by Sammy Fain and Irving Kahal)

I’ll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through –

In that small café,

The park across the way,

The children’s carousel,

The chestnut tree,

The wishing well.

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day.

In everything that’s light and gay,

I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you in the morning sun,

And when the night is new,

I’ll be looking at the moon,

But I’ll be seeing you.

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day.

In everything that’s light and gay,

I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you in the morning sun,

And when the night is new,

I’ll be looking at the moon,

But I’ll be seeing you.

I love you all more than you know, no matter what happens between us. ❤️

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I personally truly *ABHOR* Valentines Day. Saving all your loving kindness up for one day to me is fake. Surprise the other person at random times throughout the year to show your true love. It’s a fake holiday.

So here’s my VD sentiment for Roy, as it fits our overall relationship:


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I know I don’t write as often as some do, but I write when it is good for me or when I need to get something out as it can be very cathartic. At least that’s the purpose of my blog … to help me and to hopefully help someone else who runs into the same types of issues.

With my children, I’ve had highs and lows, great successes and great losses. Sometimes certain occasions and occurrences can evoke those up-and-down feelings in me. Right now is one of those times.

Roy (Papa) and I (Oma) had the great joy of being blessed with our first grandchild (Harrison) on 12.21.18. It’s a humbling feeling, quite honestly to view the next generation.

I have a true sense of joy from this, but I cannot help but wish that my late son, Keegan, could be there as his baby sister, Kara, becomes a first-time mama to Harrison. I can’t help but cry over the loss of a beloved uncle that would have loved this baby boy to pieces, spoiled him rotten, and taken him on crazy adventures.

I know that I am truly blessed … and my heart is overflowing … as are my emotions. Harrison and Keegan are loved beyond words, and this Oma/Mama is honored to be a part of their lives.

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While we may have only been married for 9 years now, it has certainly been an interesting road we’ve been on with twists, turns, dips, and climbs.



*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*


Today I took a walk up the street

And picked a flower and climbed the hill above the lake,

And secret thoughts were said aloud.

We watched the faces in the clouds

Until the clouds had blown away.

Were we ever somewhere else?

You know it’s hard to say.

I never saw blue like that before …


Shawn Colvin




There is absolutely no one else with whom I’d rather be on my current life path than you.


Happy Anniversary, Roy!


I love you!

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“I’ve got to tell you I’ve been rackin’ my brain, hopin’ to find a way out.   I’ve had enough of this continual rain.  Changes are acomin’, no doubt.  It’s been a too long time with no peace of mind, and I’m ready for the times to get better.  …  I feel so lonesome at times.  I have a dream that I could live.   It’s burnin’ holes in my mind.”   Crystal Gayle

We all know how some days/weeks in life are better than others. Right now, I have a job I smile through gritted teeth at and bear until I can leave for the better life I work toward. 

Management is insulting to not only me but also to anyone not part of their virtual “good ol’ boy” in-club/political cronyism that gets all the job favoritism heaped on certain people that have no real ability or knowledge to actually *do* the work they are paid top dollar for, while those that actually WORK are told they aren’t “good enough”.  What it boils down to is that there are those of us that take actual PRIDE in what we produce and refuse to kiss political ass.  We refuse to play their games.   The idiotic powers-that-be don’t like that.  It’s like high school cliques and being around the “mean girls”.   I didn’t do it then.  I sure as hell won’t now.  I have entirely too much self-respect … something that is in very short supply in today’s world. 

Then there’s Roy’s job that doesn’t understand basic scheduling and caters to one person who manipulates everything to provide only good schedules to him.   Roy gets the dregs … because of management ineptitude that is too afraid to upset the apple cart and wants everything easy on them.   What they fail to understand is that not addressing the issue just causes more issues in the future, particularly since, when their “golden boy” gets into scheduling nightmares (which he is VERY prone to), they then depend on Roy to bail them out. 

So what is my point here?  My point is … I am glad to be working toward financial independence so that we don’t have to depend on the inept or the cronyism that is rampant. “Regular” jobs (whatever the hell those are) … suck … BIG TIME. 

Have a Plan B.  


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On this Christmas Eve, 2014, 13½ years since you died, I miss you as much if not more than ever. I wish you were here to help your brother. I wish you were here to see how wonderfully your baby sister is doing. I wish you could have met your sister’s husband, Alex. You’d have hit it off well with him, I’m quite sure. I wish you were here to have met Roy. You’d have both teased and harassed each other mercilessly. I wish you were here to have enjoyed Placerville like I do. I wish you were here to have gone to college like you wanted to do. I wish you were here to have had your own life work and calling, your own children if you so chose, your own life. I wish you were here to see that I have done ok with myself.

I miss you, Keegan. Whoever said “time heals” was wrong. Perhaps it gets different but it never truly heals. I’ve said before that it’s like losing an arm or a leg. Part of me is missing. I have learned to get by without it, but I’m still without and I still want it as part of who I am and it still gives me pain that it’s not there.

I’m just writing this to tell you as you watch me and visit me spiritually (and I can sense you around), that I still love you with all of my heart. You are forever one of my babies and forever in my heart. I was blessed to have you in my life physically for the 17 years I did. I just wish it were longer.

This year I will be enjoying a “Christmas Buffet” with friends at Smith Flat House. You’d have liked where we are going and with whom we will be. I know you will visit Roy and me in spirit as we both sense you around often already and you will also travel to visit your brother and your sister and her wonderful husband where they are on this Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I wish we could all be together, but life goes on and changes with time. Celebrate in Heaven! We’ll all be with you again in the future.

Each and every person that knows you … whether they knew you in this life physically or just spiritually or both … misses you.

Merry Christmas, Keegan.


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This is something for which I am and will be eternally grateful … & have been since Roy and I have been together … particularly with all the rough years financially we’ve endured. Life is always a gift with him around.


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Roy, we have now known each other for well over 10 years. I still am amazed (and amused) by how we met and how we got together. People tell us it was “coincidence”, but, as we both know, there is no such thing as “coincidence”. The Hand of God was definitely in it, with a Higher Power in control.




There are times we both are “unlovable” … but we continue to love each other in spite of our shortcomings.




There are times that we know that God and our “guardian angels” have a major sense of humor for the things we’ve encountered. Driving each other as well as anyone around us crazy … well, isn’t that part of the fun in life?




There are things we’ve been through that would have shaken most people to the core. We continue on in spite of it all.





This was supposed to be originally posted on your birthday on 7.6.14 … but I couldn’t pull it together this year for either your birthday OR my birthday.




Nevertheless, after all you have done for me … as well as for all three of my children, whether they are here physically or in spirit … and for the wedding of Kara and Alex (our newest son) … and for working with me to build businesses of our own … and for loving me even when I wasn’t sure I loved myself …




HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU (exactly one month late but whatever)!!!!!!





Martina McBride


I pinch myself

Sometimes to make sure I’m not in a dream.

That’s how it seems.

I close my eyes

And breathe in the sweetest moments I’ve ever known.

It feels like home,

And here I am.

I want to be your everything!

There you are,

Turning winter into spring,

And everyone that sees you

Always wants to know you,

And everyone that knows you

Always has a smile.

You’re a standing ovation

After years of waiting

For a chance to finally shine.

Everyone calls you “Amazing”.


I just call you “Mine”.

I fall apart

And just a word from you somehow seems to fix

Whatever’s wrong.


You reach into

The weakest moments and remind me that I’m strong.

You gotta know

I’d be a fool

Not to see or, even worse, to forget

That you’re more than I deserve,

‘Cuz everyone that sees you

Always wants to know you,

And everyone that knows you

Always has a smile.

You’re a standing ovation

After years of waiting

For a chance to finally shine.

Everyone calls you “Amazing”.

I just call you “Mine”.

Nothing makes sense when you’re not here,

As if my whole world disappears.

Without you what’s the point of it,

‘Cuz everyone that sees you

Always wants to know you,

And everyone that knows you

Always has a smile.

You’re the dream that I’ve been chasing

After years of waiting

For a chance to finally shine.

Everyone calls you “Amazing”.

I just call you





As The Beatles sang: “… can’t buy me love, money can’t buy me love”.

You’ve given it to me freely. I give mine in return.




Carry on, all!


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It’s Roy’s birthday tomorrow.


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Deer always look so sweet and gentle. Overall, they are (or are they?), and I’d never hurt one purposefully. However, if it comes down to either a deer or me, guess what? I’ll go down fighting.  I guess more to the point, they are just plain hazardous to drivers.

I live in the mountains out in the boonies where a lot of wildlife live. It’s awesome.  I love it. I know that I am in their natural habitat so I try to remember that when I’m out and about.

However, as I was driving to the commuter bus this morning, a very large buck decided he wanted to play chicken with the cars driving down the road. There was “traffic” today … which isn’t the kind of traffic I used to encounter when I lived in the very overcrowded San Francisco Bay Area in the past. It means that there were 4 cars on the back road to Highway 50 … 2 headed one way & 2 headed the other. I was in front on our side. The car behind was a good distance behind me but close enough to know it was there.  

Now, I drive a relatively small car. My goal is to get a new larger heavier one fairly soon. It hasn’t been top of my list, because I’ve had numerous financial goals to handle, which have been more pressing, but they are almost all done (yay). In the meantime, however, I deal with a small car, which isn’t good in the snow and ice in the winter and/or against the “critters” that run free around us. Small cars are not safe overall in the mountains. As soon as I can now, the goal to get a larger vehicle has moved up on my list.

Like I said, I enjoy the animals around us. We see coyote, deer, mountain lions, eagles, bear on occasion, jackrabbits, and so on. We make sure our dog and two cats are in at night so that they don’t become some other animal’s breakfast, and we generally live in harmony. I much prefer the wildlife over the 2-legged critters that roam the cities at night.

I digress (as usual).

This morning, a very large buck decided he wanted to wait until all 4 cars converged on one area … an area not really prone to having deer … and make a wild run across the road between the front car on the other side of the road and me. He started on the opposite side of the road, which means I was on the side that he passed last … which also means that I got to hear his hooves striking the asphalt … and I got to see how many points were on his antlers (4) … and I got to see the markings on his back … and I got to see the whites of his eyes … and he got to see the color of my car (silver) … and he got to see the color of my hair (copper red) … and he got to see the whites of my eyes … and he got to hear the scream that came out of my mouth.

I felt the car shimmy from the disturbance in the air he created as he passed in front of the car. He probably felt the car on the tips of his fur. I missed him by that much. I didn’t swerve … that would always be more dangerous than driving straight, because you never know which way he might turn, although when I did see him, I hit the brakes slightly, or I would have plowed right into him and probably would have been terribly hurt … not even counting that my car would have been destroyed (but the latter of those things is the least of my concerns, quite honestly). At least the car behind me was far enough back to slam on his brakes too.

My nerves were shot. I shook the entire rest of the way to the bus stop when I parked. I sat there until my breathing returned to normal. My life … it flashed before my eyes.

So … with that … I want to tell Roy … Kara … Alex … Logan … my mother … my sister … my extended family and friends … and all those close to me that have died … that I love them dearly and to never forget that I love them … NO MATTER WHAT … (even if I’m angry or sad or grumpy or whatever for some reason or another) … because there are times in life when you just don’t know what is going to happen.

Remember … life is tenuous at best.




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