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Posts Tagged ‘parents’

I know I haven’t written a blogpost in a while, and I’m ok with that, because I use writing as a cathartic release for me to release feelings, frustrations, and all.  In all of it, however, if I can help someone, I’m glad, because my purpose in life is to help others get through their own grief and setbacks (of which I’ve endured many as have so many of you) as well as to rejoice in any and all accomplishments.

Anyway, I’m having a rough day today. I have four children, two sons and one daughter that I gave birth to and then my wonderful son-in-law. I love them all dearly.  I also have one grandson (so far … hint hint … to my daughter and son-in-law … 😏). He is the light of Roy’s and my lives, and he’s most DEFINITELY (at least currently) my very favoritest of favorite little faces.  My second son and middle child died many years ago (as I’ve discussed before). My first son (and oldest child) and I have a very strained relationship.  I haven’t seen him in several years, and it hurts my mother’s heart to the core.  Essentially it feels like I’ve lost both sons, and it hurts beyond belief.

Now don’t get me wrong!  I have a wonderful life (with all of its ups-and-downs), and my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson are sheer joys to Roy and me.  Nevertheless, some days are harder than others, and the weight of it all drags me into a very deep hole until I remember to count my many blessings and carry on.  Life is to be lived and not just existed in or suffered through!

Today however is one of those days where my heart is very heavy. It is my oldest son’s birthday (the one that I haven’t seen in a long time).  He’s 37.  I won’t go into all of the reasons why we haven’t seen each other, because it’s between him and me, but since I can’t see him, I then start thinking of my other son who died when he was 17 of Cystic Fibrosis and how hard we tried to keep healthy, and it hurts that I can’t see either one of them (although I know I will when I move out of this life).  When I get like this, my supportive husband, Roy, along with my wonderful daughter hold me together.  Even though Roy has had his own losses (which I won’t discuss here either since those are his personal losses to discuss or not as the case may be) and my daughter has essentially lost both brothers (since she doesn’t really see her oldest brother either), they are always there for me. I guess that’s why we are so close, because we understand each other’s brokenness.

Anyway … below are the lyrics to a very nostalgic song originally from the 1930s, but it always makes me think of my husband as well as all of my children and grandchildren … whether I can be with them or not.  So here’s to my four children … and to my one grandchild (so far 🙂 ).

 –

I’LL BE SEEING YOU

by Sammy Fain and Irving Kahal)

I’ll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through –

In that small café,

The park across the way,

The children’s carousel,

The chestnut tree,

The wishing well.

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day.

In everything that’s light and gay,

I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you in the morning sun,

And when the night is new,

I’ll be looking at the moon,

But I’ll be seeing you.

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day.

In everything that’s light and gay,

I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you in the morning sun,

And when the night is new,

I’ll be looking at the moon,

But I’ll be seeing you.

I love you all more than you know, no matter what happens between us. ❤️

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18 years ago today at 5:47 am

I miss you, Keegan. You’re forever 17.

❤️❤️❤️

#keegan #cysticfibrosis #cf #lungtransplant #brokenheart #love #imissyou #forever17

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Happy sort of Leap Day Birthday, Baby Boy!

I miss you, Keegan … every second of every day.

🎈🎂 🍦🍨🧁 🎁 🍰 🎊 🎉

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I was blessed with my beautiful baby girl at 5:47 pm on New Year’s Eve 1988. She was, is, and continues to be one of God’s gifts 🎁 to me and the rest of the world.

<<<<<<
ou with my entire soul, Kara. I am honored and blessed to be considered your mother.

❤️

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It takes a lot more than sperm to be a father.  I was blessed to have a very amazing father in my life who is gone now.  I miss him each and every day.  Roy was blessed to have a grandfather who was an equally as amazing father to him.  I wish I’d had the pleasure of meeting him and I wish I had a picture of his grandfather to share today. 

I can still hear my daddy’s voice.  I can still smell his presence.  I miss him each and every day.  

So … since I’m a little sentimental right now … please tell whoever your father figure is/has been … even if it’s more than one person … what they mean to you.  Do it now.  You never know how much time you have.  

Happy Father’s Day to each and all of you that fit the category of father.  Standing up as a man and being a father is not for the faint of heart.  May God’s wisdom and blessings be on every one of you on Fathers Day and every day.


Glenn B Crowley 
8.25.24 – 8.28.92

I miss you, daddy … each and every single solitary day.

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I thank God for allowing me to be blessed with three amazing children I gave birth to and one equally as amazing son-in-law.  I am not sure who has learned more from the experience of being there as you all have moved through life, me or you, but I’m blessed to be considered your mother/mother-in-law.  Even with 3 of you now as adults and 1 of you waiting in heaven for me, you are all miracles in your own right. 

Happy Mama’s Day from your Mama!  I love you all more than words can express.  💕 

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❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️

I love you, baby girl.

I always have. 

I always will. 

I am so proud of who you are and what you have become.  I love you and Alex forever and always. 

While you may no longer be a baby … you’ll always and forever be my baby girl.  

Happy birthday, baby girl.

❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️

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My oldest child is 34 today.   I wish I could see him, but he’s currently living in Texas and I’m in California.  We have … at best … a strained relationship … but no matter what … he’s my son and I will love him forever as his mother.   I wish him happiness, health, and well-being on his birthday … and pray daily for wisdom within myself to accept and understand that which I currently cannot. 

 

The picture below is of me approximately 1 – 2 weeks before he was born.  Yes, it looks like I was carrying a pumpkin under my shirt … and yes … those pants were big and baggy and oversized on me because everything else I had was just too tight.  Anyway … at 9½ lbs … he looked like a big healthy pumpkin when he was born exactly one week after Halloween too.

 

 

 
 

 

I love you, baby boy #1, no matter what.

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*~*~*

I do not know who drew this, but I saw it on my FaceBook feed this morning from one of my friends who has children that have died.  I cried while on the early morning commuter bus.  It touched me to my soul.  Every time I look at it, I get teary.  It was posted with the poem below.  It sums up what I tell people a lot with regards to my beloved son, Keegan, and his death.  Do not judge.  Unless you’ve been there … and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone … you don’t understand … and I hope you never have to understand.

*~*~*

DO NOT JUDGE

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is

… but she IS NOT …

… all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Author Unknown

*~*~*

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Keegan, my middle child, died 14 years ago today at dawn … at 5:47 am to be exact. It’s still unreal to me that one of my babies died. It just doesn’t seem possible that a child of mine would have died at the age of 17 from complications of Cystic Fibrosis a little over a year post-double-lung transplant. It still amazes me how much he accomplished in his very short life.

You know what astounds me though? People that think I should have “gotten over it” by now. Just because a certain amount of time has passed doesn’t mean the grief ends. As a parent, I’ve lost a piece of my heart. His sister and brother have lost a part of who they are. His friends have lost a piece of their childhood. His grandparents have lost a piece of their legacy.

Let me put it this way. If you lose an arm, is there a time limit that you have to “forget about it” and “get over it”? No. You learn to deal with it, but you will always and forever miss that and wish it were still a part of you. There are other illustrations I could give, but essentially it boils down to this. When someone who is greatly loved dies, you lose a piece of your heart.

  

 

 

Those that think and say that sort of thing are positively clueless … or heartless … or both.

So anyway, on this anniversary of his death, even though it’s not something I tend to “celebrate” like I still, as his mother, celebrate, for example, his birthday, I send this out to him and to all that knew him, knowing that this is the way he’d want them to remember him.

*~*~*

“I’M NOT THERE”

anonymous

Don’t stand by my grave and weep,

For I’m not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond’s glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circle flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

*~*~*

Keegan Crowley Wahler

2.29.1984 (2:30 pm) – 5.30.2001 (5:47 am)

  
This is Keegan on his Disney Make-A-Wish Cruise in February, 2001, just 3 months, almost to the day, before he died. 

*~*~*

I miss you still, baby boy. 

I always will. 

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