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Posts Tagged ‘love’

It doesn’t matter how old someone is or how long a true “daddy” has been dead.  Today would be my father’s birthday.  I still miss him and I always will. 

I was an awkward gangly smart-mouthed little girl.  I was tall (actually … lol … I still am), skinny, red haired, fair skinned, and freckled.  I have worn glasses or contacts since I was 7 years old.  I was too smart for my own good and didn’t fit in with any particular crowd.  He always encouraged me to be who I was at my core and loved the fire in my soul.  Most definitely not everyone liked it, and it frustrated and angered him at times, but he never wanted to squelch it.  He celebrated me.  This is how he would have described me …

Nevertheless my daddy always made me feel beautiful … even when my sharp tongue got the better of me. 

I know I am incredibly blessed to have had a daddy like him.   Not everyone is so fortunate and I am sorry for that.  He taught me to be a strong lady that could handle and withstand anything life threw at me. 

Daddy, I miss you.  I always will.  Go fishing 🎣 with Grandpa and Keegan up in heaven today to celebrate 🎉 your birthday 🎂.  

❤️

Glenn B Crowley

8.25.1924

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Yesterday was the 16th anniversary of Keegan’s death.  While it’s not something I choose to celebrate, it’s something that’s hard not to acknowledge because it’s woven into the very fabric of my being.   If you can’t understand completely … be thankful … but at least be compassionate to those of us that live it 24/7 forever and always.  All 3 of my children are part of me, whether currently on this earth or not.  The love will be there no matter where they are or what they say and do.

https://abedformyheart.com/7-things-since-loss-of-child/

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❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️

I love you, baby girl.

I always have. 

I always will. 

I am so proud of who you are and what you have become.  I love you and Alex forever and always. 

While you may no longer be a baby … you’ll always and forever be my baby girl.  

Happy birthday, baby girl.

❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️

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While we may have only been married for 9 years now, it has certainly been an interesting road we’ve been on with twists, turns, dips, and climbs.

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*

 

Today I took a walk up the street

And picked a flower and climbed the hill above the lake,

And secret thoughts were said aloud.

We watched the faces in the clouds

Until the clouds had blown away.

Were we ever somewhere else?

You know it’s hard to say.

I never saw blue like that before …

 
NEVER SAW BLUE LIKE THAT

Shawn Colvin

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There is absolutely no one else with whom I’d rather be on my current life path than you.

 

Happy Anniversary, Roy!

 

I love you!

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My oldest child is 34 today.   I wish I could see him, but he’s currently living in Texas and I’m in California.  We have … at best … a strained relationship … but no matter what … he’s my son and I will love him forever as his mother.   I wish him happiness, health, and well-being on his birthday … and pray daily for wisdom within myself to accept and understand that which I currently cannot. 

 

The picture below is of me approximately 1 – 2 weeks before he was born.  Yes, it looks like I was carrying a pumpkin under my shirt … and yes … those pants were big and baggy and oversized on me because everything else I had was just too tight.  Anyway … at 9½ lbs … he looked like a big healthy pumpkin when he was born exactly one week after Halloween too.

 

 

 
 

 

I love you, baby boy #1, no matter what.

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There are those people in each person’s life that seem to be almost indestructible.   They endure and come out of all sorts of things and always land on their feet.  I have been blessed with long-time family friends … people that were friends of my parents before my sister and I were born … before their children were born … that were like an aunt, uncle, and cousins to me … people that we’ve been through highs and lows with and still are friends … and our children are friends.

 

I’ll back up.  My parents got married in 1949.  I believe it was a year or two after that they had gone on vacation and had met a couple to whom they took an immediate liking.   This couple they later found out was on their honeymoon when they met.  It was a constant source of a joke back and forth between them from then on.   The friendship stuck and they began a lifelong journey together.  My father and the other gentleman had both fought in World War 2 and had seen various things in battle so they had an immediate bond that comes from that “brother” relationship that military men (and women) all share.  While my father had served in the North Atlantic, the other man had served in the Pacific … and had stories of being shot down over the Pacific and having been the only survivor.  He was a true hero who had floated in the ocean for hours before being rescued.  His wife was a middle school math teacher who terrified me and who I wanted to be around all at the same time and who probably operated her classroom as a drill sergeant might, but she had a heart of gold.  She is the one that taught me how to bake my own bread (something I dearly love to do) and how to make pie crust that people still rave over.  My parents both graduated from the University of Southern California (USC).  The other couple had graduated from the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA).  For those readers that don’t know, there is a deep-seated rivalry between those schools.   There was a friendly teasing back and forth between them over which school was better.  Whenever there was a sports game between them, there would be all sorts of jokes.  It was something I enjoyed hearing.

 

My sister is the oldest of the children born to these two couples (1952).  Their daughter was the next (1953).  Their son and I were born the same year (1954).  Yes, I am that old.  Get over it.  😏

 

Growing up, I remember the card games and dinner parties they had.  They visited us around the country when we moved around.   We visited them.  We’d show up and surprise them.  We’d plan trips over Thanksgiving weekend to all enjoy together.  We played charades (drunken charades, by the way, was by far the most fun), play cards, and play in the snow.  We’d talk, fight, laugh, and enjoy ourselves like family does.  We’ve been through relocations, financial set-backs as well as financial upswings, marriages, divorces, deaths, remarriages, illnesses, joys, sorrows, and accepted all of each other’s strengths and weaknesses.  Essentially … we’ve handled life in general together with all of the normal day-to-day ups-and-downs while continuing to love one another.  

 

My father was the first to die in 1992.  My 2nd son died in 2001. Their daughter died in 2008.  Their mother died in 2013.   Their father died roughly a week ago (2016).  On our side, my mother is thankfully still with us … as are my sister and me (obviously).  On their side, their son is still strong and healthy.  Now, grandchildren and great-grandchildren have entered into the fray.   Through all of this, we are all still hanging in together … my mother, the remaining children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

 

It’s something hard to fathom … all of this from a chance meeting in the late 1940s/early 1950s of two couples that were thankful they’d survived World War 2 and had found people with whom they enjoyed spending time.   It’s hard to get used to these pillars in my life being gone.  These are those indestructible adults I grew up with throughout my childhood … that yelled at me, laughed with me, taught me, listened to me, loved me, and nurtured me … no matter what dumb thing I had done or how smart-assy I was.   They were proud of my accomplishments and there to pick me up in my failures.   So many of these wonderful people are fading away.  

Cherish those that are still in your lives.

 

Life is fleeting.

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My middle child was born on February 29, 1984 (yes, Leap Day).  I know I’ve stated that in prior blogposts, but this year it’s particularly of import to me anyway, because he’d actually have a “real” birthday.  He was one of the select few with that special day as his birthday.  I remember it well also.  He was born by emergency C-section, but he was a beautiful full-term baby.  We didn’t know what awaited us though with his health.  As I’ve stated before, he died on May 30, 2001 from complications of Cystic Fibrosis (CF) a year after a successful double lung transplant at Stanford University in Palo Alto, CA.  The fact that he had CF was a 1 in 4 chance for each child his father and I conceived.  We didn’t know that we carried that gene at the time, because it couldn’t be tested in advance then and it had never appeared in our family.  However, our beautiful 1 in 4 child was born on a day that happens only every 1 in 4 years.  Anyway, he had Cystic Fibrosis, something children that can’t pronounce it have called “65 Roses” over the years.

*~*~*

 

February 2001

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

65 Roses

The Wolverines

When I was just a small child, mama and daddy came to me.

They sat me down and told me of the flowers my sister received,

65 roses in yellow and red, made her so tired she had to stay in bed.

I just couldn’t believe the flowers my sister received

Made it so hard for her to breathe.

Why does she have 65 roses,

Must be her birthday today?

She must have been good to get 65 roses!

Why can’t she come out to play?

65 roses of yellow and red made her so tired she had to stay in bed.

I looked all around, but I couldn’t find

The 65 roses were on my mind.

When I’d grown up, I see that the only one thinking of roses was me,

And the reason that the 65 roses came

Was because I was too young to understand the name.

65 roses!

Cystic Fibrosis made her so tired she had to stay in bed.

65 roses!

Cystic Fibrosis!

I wish she had roses instead.

65 roses!

Cystic Fibrosis!

I wish that she could come out to play.

Life, one supposes, is no bed of roses.

I wish she had roses instead.

I wish she had roses instead.

65 roses.

Cystic Fibrosis.

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

August 1993

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

This post isn’t about all of that though.  I had to mention it however, because I found the song so amazing.  Also, Cystic Fibrosis (65 roses) was part of his life.

This post, however, is mainly about how he lived his life, albeit a short one.  He experienced more and touched more than most people do by the time they die at 80, 90, or 100 years of age.  He endured more pain than most anyone I know, but he enjoyed life to the absolute fullest.  He used to tell me that he didn’t want people to forget him and that he didn’t want them to think he just existed in life but that he truly lived life.  He absolutely abhorred the term “passed away” when referring to someone that has died.

“Mom!  That’s so demeaning.  It doesn’t even sound like they really lived.  They merely existed in life, and then they passed away and through.  Maybe some people live life that way, but when I’m gone, I want people to remember that I lived and that I then died.  I didn’t just exist.  I LIVED!”

This is why this song by OneRepublic is so appropriate to dedicate to him, not only because they have it dedicated to a fan of theirs that has Cystic Fibrosis, but also because, in his own words …

 

 

I LIVED

OneRepublic

Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall.

Hope when the water rises, you built a wall.

Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name.

Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay.

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad.

The only way you can know is give it all you have,

And I hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain.

Hope when the moment comes, you’ll say …

I did it all!

I did it all!

I owned every second that this world could give!

I saw so many places, the things that I did!

With every broken bone, I swear I lived!

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up,

And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup!

Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain,

But until my moment comes, I’ll say:

I did it all!

I did it all!

I owned every second that this world could give!

I saw so many places, the things that I did!

With every broken bone, I swear I lived!

Oh with every broken bone, I swear I lived.

With every broken bone, I swear …

I did it all!

I did it all!

I owned every second that this world could give!

I saw so many places, the things that I did!

With every broken bone, I swear I lived life!

Oh I swear I lived!

 

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

 

February 2001

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

Ask his friends how he lived.  He lived it to the fullest.  Even at a camp held especially for transplant patients, he was all into the camp … and ended up with a broken bone in his ankle … but he lived … and he did it all.  He endured broken bones and a broken heart.  He experienced travelling to visit new places.  He never feared failing.  He owned every single solitary second that his God gave him, be it good or bad.  For that, he will forever be a role model and a hero to me.  If I could just be half as brave and daring as he was, I’ll know that I did life proud.

So on what would be his 8th “real birthday” … or the 32nd year since he was born … I’ll also offer this from one of Celine Dion’s hits … one of the ones that make me remember him so dearly, as he had said once that this made him think of me, how I worked to get the health care he deserved, and how he wanted to dedicate it to me.  That made me cry, because, in my mind, it better describes what he and both of his siblings did (and continue to do) for me.  I am now who I am … because all 3 of my children loved me.

 
  

 

Because You Loved Me

​​​​-as written by Diane Warren

​​​​-as sung by Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me,

For all the truth that you made me see,

For all the joy you brought to my life,

For all the wrong that you made right,

For every dream you made come true,

For all the love I found in you,

I’ll be forever thankful, baby.

You’re the one who held me up,

Never let me fall.

You’re the one who saw me through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak.

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak.

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see.

You saw the best there was in me,

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach.

You gave me faith ‘cuz you believed.

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly.

You touched my hand. I could touch the sky.

I lost my faith. You gave it back to me.

You said no star was out of reach.

You stood by me and I stood tall.

I had your love.

I had it all.

I’m grateful for each day you gave me.

Maybe I don’t know that much,

But I know this much is true:

I was blessed, because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ‘cuz you believed

I’m everything I am

Because you loved me

You were always there for me,

The tender wind that carried me,

A light in the dark, shining your love into my life.

You’ve been my inspiration.

Through the lies, you were the truth.

My world is a better place because of you.

You were my strength when I was weak.

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak.

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see.

You saw the best there was in me.

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach,

You gave me faith ‘cuz you believed.

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

*~*~*

 

 

*~*~*

 

Happy birthday, Keegan!  I love you forever and always!

 

 

 

 

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