Posts Tagged ‘Logan’

It’s amazing to think that my oldest baby is now 36 years old today.  We have an incredibly strained relationship but no matter what, I love him with all my heart and all my soul.

Happy birthday, Logan.  I pray that your day is as you wish.


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I thank God for allowing me to be blessed with three amazing children I gave birth to and one equally as amazing son-in-law.  I am not sure who has learned more from the experience of being there as you all have moved through life, me or you, but I’m blessed to be considered your mother/mother-in-law.  Even with 3 of you now as adults and 1 of you waiting in heaven for me, you are all miracles in your own right. 

Happy Mama’s Day from your Mama!  I love you all more than words can express.  💕 

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My oldest child is 34 today.   I wish I could see him, but he’s currently living in Texas and I’m in California.  We have … at best … a strained relationship … but no matter what … he’s my son and I will love him forever as his mother.   I wish him happiness, health, and well-being on his birthday … and pray daily for wisdom within myself to accept and understand that which I currently cannot. 


The picture below is of me approximately 1 – 2 weeks before he was born.  Yes, it looks like I was carrying a pumpkin under my shirt … and yes … those pants were big and baggy and oversized on me because everything else I had was just too tight.  Anyway … at 9½ lbs … he looked like a big healthy pumpkin when he was born exactly one week after Halloween too.





I love you, baby boy #1, no matter what.

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My oldest son is 33 today.  He was born at 5:15 am (Pacific Time) on 11.7.1982.  (See the picture above?  That’s me 33 years ago when I was bringing him home from the hospital.).  I’m not quite sure how he could possibly BE that age, since, when I think about how old I feel, I don’t feel like I could have a child that age, but since he was born when I was 28, I suppose that I can’t deny it. When I walk past the mirror and look at the reflection staring back at me, I understand my age, but, truthfully, how I feel within is no different than when I was 23 … 33 … 43 … 53 … and so on.  My mother used to tell me the same thing, but I never really understood it until I got older.   I understand now, Mom.


Anyway, my oldest son and I have … hmmm … how do I describe it … ok let’s try this: a difficult relationship.  I won’t go into it any further than that.  I’ll just state that I love him without question and unconditionally, because he is my son.  I am constantly amazed by the things he knows and can do, but I don’t always understand his life view.  That’s ok though.  I don’t have to understand, as it is HIS life to live and HIS view to have.  I wish him health and happiness on this birthday of his and his journey in life, and I know that he wishes me the same.


He can make me crazy at times and so angry that I say and do things I shouldn’t … and then in the next breath, he can make me laugh till I have tears running down my face.  No matter what, however, I love him.  I started his journey with him, and I did what I thought was best when raising him, even if I made mistakes along the road (which we all of course do).  I know that he is also doing his best at living his own life … and that’s all anyone can do.


Happy birthday, Logan!  Roy and I love you. 

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… that … just … THAT …


I love you all unconditionally. 




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On this Mother’s Day, I dedicate this to my 3 children as well as to my amazing mother. 
I love you all unconditionally. 

💗 💗 💗 💗 💗 💗


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On this Christmas Eve, 2014, 13½ years since you died, I miss you as much if not more than ever. I wish you were here to help your brother. I wish you were here to see how wonderfully your baby sister is doing. I wish you could have met your sister’s husband, Alex. You’d have hit it off well with him, I’m quite sure. I wish you were here to have met Roy. You’d have both teased and harassed each other mercilessly. I wish you were here to have enjoyed Placerville like I do. I wish you were here to have gone to college like you wanted to do. I wish you were here to have had your own life work and calling, your own children if you so chose, your own life. I wish you were here to see that I have done ok with myself.

I miss you, Keegan. Whoever said “time heals” was wrong. Perhaps it gets different but it never truly heals. I’ve said before that it’s like losing an arm or a leg. Part of me is missing. I have learned to get by without it, but I’m still without and I still want it as part of who I am and it still gives me pain that it’s not there.

I’m just writing this to tell you as you watch me and visit me spiritually (and I can sense you around), that I still love you with all of my heart. You are forever one of my babies and forever in my heart. I was blessed to have you in my life physically for the 17 years I did. I just wish it were longer.

This year I will be enjoying a “Christmas Buffet” with friends at Smith Flat House. You’d have liked where we are going and with whom we will be. I know you will visit Roy and me in spirit as we both sense you around often already and you will also travel to visit your brother and your sister and her wonderful husband where they are on this Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I wish we could all be together, but life goes on and changes with time. Celebrate in Heaven! We’ll all be with you again in the future.

Each and every person that knows you … whether they knew you in this life physically or just spiritually or both … misses you.

Merry Christmas, Keegan.


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Today is my oldest child’s birthday. Our relationship is rocky but he’s still my son and I’ll love him even when I disagree with things he says and does.

He’s 32. How can that be? I clearly remember being 32 and wrestling 2 toddlers in and out of places, about ready to lose my mind.

My middle child died 13-1/2 years ago.

My baby girl just got married and will be 26 next month.

Remember, moms that are currently doing all of this … it goes by fast. It’s well worth the ups-and-downs, even when it doesn’t always turn out like you think or want. It’s still worth it.

Read the link below. This brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful blogpost!



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Growing up, I was never sure I wanted to be a mother. Let me say this as my baby girl is getting married … as my oldest is one of the groomsmen … as my middle deceased son will only be there in spirit … as I welcome a new son into my heart … as all their best friends and siblings stand up with them, filling my heart … I will do anything in my power to protect them. This mama bear remains on duty. It’s the best (and hardest) job that I’ve ever had.



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Deer always look so sweet and gentle. Overall, they are (or are they?), and I’d never hurt one purposefully. However, if it comes down to either a deer or me, guess what? I’ll go down fighting.  I guess more to the point, they are just plain hazardous to drivers.

I live in the mountains out in the boonies where a lot of wildlife live. It’s awesome.  I love it. I know that I am in their natural habitat so I try to remember that when I’m out and about.

However, as I was driving to the commuter bus this morning, a very large buck decided he wanted to play chicken with the cars driving down the road. There was “traffic” today … which isn’t the kind of traffic I used to encounter when I lived in the very overcrowded San Francisco Bay Area in the past. It means that there were 4 cars on the back road to Highway 50 … 2 headed one way & 2 headed the other. I was in front on our side. The car behind was a good distance behind me but close enough to know it was there.  

Now, I drive a relatively small car. My goal is to get a new larger heavier one fairly soon. It hasn’t been top of my list, because I’ve had numerous financial goals to handle, which have been more pressing, but they are almost all done (yay). In the meantime, however, I deal with a small car, which isn’t good in the snow and ice in the winter and/or against the “critters” that run free around us. Small cars are not safe overall in the mountains. As soon as I can now, the goal to get a larger vehicle has moved up on my list.

Like I said, I enjoy the animals around us. We see coyote, deer, mountain lions, eagles, bear on occasion, jackrabbits, and so on. We make sure our dog and two cats are in at night so that they don’t become some other animal’s breakfast, and we generally live in harmony. I much prefer the wildlife over the 2-legged critters that roam the cities at night.

I digress (as usual).

This morning, a very large buck decided he wanted to wait until all 4 cars converged on one area … an area not really prone to having deer … and make a wild run across the road between the front car on the other side of the road and me. He started on the opposite side of the road, which means I was on the side that he passed last … which also means that I got to hear his hooves striking the asphalt … and I got to see how many points were on his antlers (4) … and I got to see the markings on his back … and I got to see the whites of his eyes … and he got to see the color of my car (silver) … and he got to see the color of my hair (copper red) … and he got to see the whites of my eyes … and he got to hear the scream that came out of my mouth.

I felt the car shimmy from the disturbance in the air he created as he passed in front of the car. He probably felt the car on the tips of his fur. I missed him by that much. I didn’t swerve … that would always be more dangerous than driving straight, because you never know which way he might turn, although when I did see him, I hit the brakes slightly, or I would have plowed right into him and probably would have been terribly hurt … not even counting that my car would have been destroyed (but the latter of those things is the least of my concerns, quite honestly). At least the car behind me was far enough back to slam on his brakes too.

My nerves were shot. I shook the entire rest of the way to the bus stop when I parked. I sat there until my breathing returned to normal. My life … it flashed before my eyes.

So … with that … I want to tell Roy … Kara … Alex … Logan … my mother … my sister … my extended family and friends … and all those close to me that have died … that I love them dearly and to never forget that I love them … NO MATTER WHAT … (even if I’m angry or sad or grumpy or whatever for some reason or another) … because there are times in life when you just don’t know what is going to happen.

Remember … life is tenuous at best.




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