Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘life challenges’

As an “essential employee” 🙄 in downtown Sacramento, I took these pictures from the commuter bus window this morning. At least the government panic mongers can’t take this beauty away from us. Don’t let the tyranny going on right now destroy you as a person.

… and … if by magic … this song, as sung by #AnneMurray (a beautiful version by the way), came up on my music playlist …

“Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true …”

Carry on fighting the GOOD fight. ❤️

Read Full Post »

My newest pet peeve term:

SOCIAL DISTANCING

What an idiotic overly PC phrase.

Please, people … just stay away from others when you are sick … like you should do anyway. This isn’t a new concept. I would like to think your parents taught you that growing up.

🙄

It goes with:

***

REACHING OUT
IT IS WHAT IT IS
CRAZY BUSY
CLOSURE (when grieving)

***

Those are all lazy PC terms.

There. I said it AND I MEANT IT.

Read Full Post »

This time of year is always tough. Keegan was due on Valentine’s Day. He was born on Leap Day (yes, really Leap Day), which fit his personality *so* much better. This year he gets a *real* birthday. It is bittersweet.

“Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary. … I think of you and I’m not afraid. Your favorite records make me feel better because you’d sing along … but you went away. How dare you? I miss you. They say I’ll be ok but I’m not gonna ever get over you.” Miranda Lambert

(I love you, Keegan. What would’ve been your 36th … or is it your 9th … birthday is coming up this month.)

Read Full Post »

I know I haven’t written a blogpost in a while, and I’m ok with that, because I use writing as a cathartic release for me to release feelings, frustrations, and all.  In all of it, however, if I can help someone, I’m glad, because my purpose in life is to help others get through their own grief and setbacks (of which I’ve endured many as have so many of you) as well as to rejoice in any and all accomplishments.

Anyway, I’m having a rough day today. I have four children, two sons and one daughter that I gave birth to and then my wonderful son-in-law. I love them all dearly.  I also have one grandson (so far … hint hint … to my daughter and son-in-law … 😏). He is the light of Roy’s and my lives, and he’s most DEFINITELY (at least currently) my very favoritest of favorite little faces.  My second son and middle child died many years ago (as I’ve discussed before). My first son (and oldest child) and I have a very strained relationship.  I haven’t seen him in several years, and it hurts my mother’s heart to the core.  Essentially it feels like I’ve lost both sons, and it hurts beyond belief.

Now don’t get me wrong!  I have a wonderful life (with all of its ups-and-downs), and my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson are sheer joys to Roy and me.  Nevertheless, some days are harder than others, and the weight of it all drags me into a very deep hole until I remember to count my many blessings and carry on.  Life is to be lived and not just existed in or suffered through!

Today however is one of those days where my heart is very heavy. It is my oldest son’s birthday (the one that I haven’t seen in a long time).  He’s 37.  I won’t go into all of the reasons why we haven’t seen each other, because it’s between him and me, but since I can’t see him, I then start thinking of my other son who died when he was 17 of Cystic Fibrosis and how hard we tried to keep healthy, and it hurts that I can’t see either one of them (although I know I will when I move out of this life).  When I get like this, my supportive husband, Roy, along with my wonderful daughter hold me together.  Even though Roy has had his own losses (which I won’t discuss here either since those are his personal losses to discuss or not as the case may be) and my daughter has essentially lost both brothers (since she doesn’t really see her oldest brother either), they are always there for me. I guess that’s why we are so close, because we understand each other’s brokenness.

Anyway … below are the lyrics to a very nostalgic song originally from the 1930s, but it always makes me think of my husband as well as all of my children and grandchildren … whether I can be with them or not.  So here’s to my four children … and to my one grandchild (so far 🙂 ).

 –

I’LL BE SEEING YOU

by Sammy Fain and Irving Kahal)

I’ll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through –

In that small café,

The park across the way,

The children’s carousel,

The chestnut tree,

The wishing well.

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day.

In everything that’s light and gay,

I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you in the morning sun,

And when the night is new,

I’ll be looking at the moon,

But I’ll be seeing you.

I’ll be seeing you

In every lovely summer’s day.

In everything that’s light and gay,

I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you in the morning sun,

And when the night is new,

I’ll be looking at the moon,

But I’ll be seeing you.

I love you all more than you know, no matter what happens between us. ❤️

Read Full Post »

18 years ago today at 5:47 am

I miss you, Keegan. You’re forever 17.

❤️❤️❤️

#keegan #cysticfibrosis #cf #lungtransplant #brokenheart #love #imissyou #forever17

Read Full Post »

Happy sort of Leap Day Birthday, Baby Boy!

I miss you, Keegan … every second of every day.

🎈🎂 🍦🍨🧁 🎁 🍰 🎊 🎉

Read Full Post »

I know I don’t write as often as some do, but I write when it is good for me or when I need to get something out as it can be very cathartic. At least that’s the purpose of my blog … to help me and to hopefully help someone else who runs into the same types of issues.

With my children, I’ve had highs and lows, great successes and great losses. Sometimes certain occasions and occurrences can evoke those up-and-down feelings in me. Right now is one of those times.

Roy (Papa) and I (Oma) had the great joy of being blessed with our first grandchild (Harrison) on 12.21.18. It’s a humbling feeling, quite honestly to view the next generation.

I have a true sense of joy from this, but I cannot help but wish that my late son, Keegan, could be there as his baby sister, Kara, becomes a first-time mama to Harrison. I can’t help but cry over the loss of a beloved uncle that would have loved this baby boy to pieces, spoiled him rotten, and taken him on crazy adventures.

I know that I am truly blessed … and my heart is overflowing … as are my emotions. Harrison and Keegan are loved beyond words, and this Oma/Mama is honored to be a part of their lives.

Read Full Post »

17 years

Amazing …

It’s been 17 long yet short years that my then 17 year old middle child died at dawn on May 30. He has been gone as long as he was alive.

People have come and gone, yet he lives on in the hearts, minds, and souls of many.

I will forever and always miss him. My heart will ache for 17 years times 17 years times infinity.

Keegan, your spirit lives on.

17 years

Read Full Post »

It doesn’t matter how old someone is or how long a true “daddy” has been dead.  Today would be my father’s birthday.  I still miss him and I always will. 

I was an awkward gangly smart-mouthed little girl.  I was tall (actually … lol … I still am), skinny, red haired, fair skinned, and freckled.  I have worn glasses or contacts since I was 7 years old.  I was too smart for my own good and didn’t fit in with any particular crowd.  He always encouraged me to be who I was at my core and loved the fire in my soul.  Most definitely not everyone liked it, and it frustrated and angered him at times, but he never wanted to squelch it.  He celebrated me.  This is how he would have described me …

Nevertheless my daddy always made me feel beautiful … even when my sharp tongue got the better of me. 

I know I am incredibly blessed to have had a daddy like him.   Not everyone is so fortunate and I am sorry for that.  He taught me to be a strong lady that could handle and withstand anything life threw at me. 

Daddy, I miss you.  I always will.  Go fishing 🎣 with Grandpa and Keegan up in heaven today to celebrate 🎉 your birthday 🎂.  

❤️

Glenn B Crowley

8.25.1924

Read Full Post »

 

 

My middle child was born on February 29, 1984 (yes, Leap Day).  I know I’ve stated that in prior blogposts, but this year it’s particularly of import to me anyway, because he’d actually have a “real” birthday.  He was one of the select few with that special day as his birthday.  I remember it well also.  He was born by emergency C-section, but he was a beautiful full-term baby.  We didn’t know what awaited us though with his health.  As I’ve stated before, he died on May 30, 2001 from complications of Cystic Fibrosis (CF) a year after a successful double lung transplant at Stanford University in Palo Alto, CA.  The fact that he had CF was a 1 in 4 chance for each child his father and I conceived.  We didn’t know that we carried that gene at the time, because it couldn’t be tested in advance then and it had never appeared in our family.  However, our beautiful 1 in 4 child was born on a day that happens only every 1 in 4 years.  Anyway, he had Cystic Fibrosis, something children that can’t pronounce it have called “65 Roses” over the years.

*~*~*

 

February 2001

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

65 Roses

The Wolverines

When I was just a small child, mama and daddy came to me.

They sat me down and told me of the flowers my sister received,

65 roses in yellow and red, made her so tired she had to stay in bed.

I just couldn’t believe the flowers my sister received

Made it so hard for her to breathe.

Why does she have 65 roses,

Must be her birthday today?

She must have been good to get 65 roses!

Why can’t she come out to play?

65 roses of yellow and red made her so tired she had to stay in bed.

I looked all around, but I couldn’t find

The 65 roses were on my mind.

When I’d grown up, I see that the only one thinking of roses was me,

And the reason that the 65 roses came

Was because I was too young to understand the name.

65 roses!

Cystic Fibrosis made her so tired she had to stay in bed.

65 roses!

Cystic Fibrosis!

I wish she had roses instead.

65 roses!

Cystic Fibrosis!

I wish that she could come out to play.

Life, one supposes, is no bed of roses.

I wish she had roses instead.

I wish she had roses instead.

65 roses.

Cystic Fibrosis.

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

August 1993

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

This post isn’t about all of that though.  I had to mention it however, because I found the song so amazing.  Also, Cystic Fibrosis (65 roses) was part of his life.

This post, however, is mainly about how he lived his life, albeit a short one.  He experienced more and touched more than most people do by the time they die at 80, 90, or 100 years of age.  He endured more pain than most anyone I know, but he enjoyed life to the absolute fullest.  He used to tell me that he didn’t want people to forget him and that he didn’t want them to think he just existed in life but that he truly lived life.  He absolutely abhorred the term “passed away” when referring to someone that has died.

“Mom!  That’s so demeaning.  It doesn’t even sound like they really lived.  They merely existed in life, and then they passed away and through.  Maybe some people live life that way, but when I’m gone, I want people to remember that I lived and that I then died.  I didn’t just exist.  I LIVED!”

This is why this song by OneRepublic is so appropriate to dedicate to him, not only because they have it dedicated to a fan of theirs that has Cystic Fibrosis, but also because, in his own words …

 

 

I LIVED

OneRepublic

Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall.

Hope when the water rises, you built a wall.

Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name.

Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay.

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad.

The only way you can know is give it all you have,

And I hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain.

Hope when the moment comes, you’ll say …

I did it all!

I did it all!

I owned every second that this world could give!

I saw so many places, the things that I did!

With every broken bone, I swear I lived!

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up,

And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup!

Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain,

But until my moment comes, I’ll say:

I did it all!

I did it all!

I owned every second that this world could give!

I saw so many places, the things that I did!

With every broken bone, I swear I lived!

Oh with every broken bone, I swear I lived.

With every broken bone, I swear …

I did it all!

I did it all!

I owned every second that this world could give!

I saw so many places, the things that I did!

With every broken bone, I swear I lived life!

Oh I swear I lived!

 

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

 

February 2001

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

Ask his friends how he lived.  He lived it to the fullest.  Even at a camp held especially for transplant patients, he was all into the camp … and ended up with a broken bone in his ankle … but he lived … and he did it all.  He endured broken bones and a broken heart.  He experienced travelling to visit new places.  He never feared failing.  He owned every single solitary second that his God gave him, be it good or bad.  For that, he will forever be a role model and a hero to me.  If I could just be half as brave and daring as he was, I’ll know that I did life proud.

So on what would be his 8th “real birthday” … or the 32nd year since he was born … I’ll also offer this from one of Celine Dion’s hits … one of the ones that make me remember him so dearly, as he had said once that this made him think of me, how I worked to get the health care he deserved, and how he wanted to dedicate it to me.  That made me cry, because, in my mind, it better describes what he and both of his siblings did (and continue to do) for me.  I am now who I am … because all 3 of my children loved me.

 
  

 

Because You Loved Me

​​​​-as written by Diane Warren

​​​​-as sung by Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me,

For all the truth that you made me see,

For all the joy you brought to my life,

For all the wrong that you made right,

For every dream you made come true,

For all the love I found in you,

I’ll be forever thankful, baby.

You’re the one who held me up,

Never let me fall.

You’re the one who saw me through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak.

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak.

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see.

You saw the best there was in me,

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach.

You gave me faith ‘cuz you believed.

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly.

You touched my hand. I could touch the sky.

I lost my faith. You gave it back to me.

You said no star was out of reach.

You stood by me and I stood tall.

I had your love.

I had it all.

I’m grateful for each day you gave me.

Maybe I don’t know that much,

But I know this much is true:

I was blessed, because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ‘cuz you believed

I’m everything I am

Because you loved me

You were always there for me,

The tender wind that carried me,

A light in the dark, shining your love into my life.

You’ve been my inspiration.

Through the lies, you were the truth.

My world is a better place because of you.

You were my strength when I was weak.

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak.

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see.

You saw the best there was in me.

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach,

You gave me faith ‘cuz you believed.

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

*~*~*

 

 

*~*~*

 

Happy birthday, Keegan!  I love you forever and always!

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »