Posts Tagged ‘February 29’


 Keegan, I know that you always appreciated what you had, complained little, lived a lot, smiled enormously, and were thankful for the life you were given for as long as it was given to you.

It’s always tough month for me this time of year (May, that is). My heart splits open every May and tries to heal throughout the year. About the time I think I’m solid again, May rolls around, and my heart splits yet again. Each time it splits a different way, so the healing is haphazard and uneven and scarred, but it is a healing in its own way. However, I always do carry on and have an awesome life.

I’m sure some of my readers wonder what I am referring to, but those that know me already know where I’m going with this since they know that Keegan, my 2nd child, my child who died now 13 years ago, was born February 29, 1984 (yes, Leap Day). February is always a bittersweet month also. I’m thrilled to have had him the short time I did, but I hate that he isn’t still here. May is tough because he was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis on May 5, 1984, and he died on May 30, 2001.  This year it seems different though, perhaps because it’s been 13 years and he always felt 13 was his lucky number.

Having one child dead too young has already ripped up my heart. February and May are months particularly hard on me.  Keegan was a light to all that knew him. He was particularly a light to his brother and sister. We all lost a piece of our souls when he died.

His older brother has a different sort of temperament with an intelligence and intellectual light within him that is amazing at times. I have teased him and told him that he is my own personal Sheldon Cooper. Only those that have ever watched “The Big Bang Theory” will understand my reference.

His younger sister has a grace and a presence about her that draw people to her.  She has a love for people that is second to none and a drive to better herself more than most anyone else I know.

In any event, it would be a huge loss to the world should anything happen to either of them, as both have a sheer brilliance that can be mind-boggling at times. That coupled with their deep-seated loving and emotional natures are true gifts, but they both have their own challenges to face that often stymie me beyond belief.  As their mother, I wish I could make their lives easier, but I know that I can’t as we must all follow our own roads and paths and twists and turns that life provides us.  We are all accountable for what we ourselves do in life not only to ourselves but also to others.  It’s just part of the big picture.

In any event, because of all of that, I worry that another child of mine will die too young, and my heart will be ripped up even more.  I know that’s an irrational fear at times, but I fear the loss of their special light.  I dread the nightmares, the nightmares I still have from Keegan’s death, the nightmares that say … “what did you do wrong? what could you have done to stop it? why? how? what?” … even when I am well aware it isn’t my fault.

I guess no one other than another mother whose child has died can understand that grief and that pain and that heaviness and those nightmares. Even if I can’t control the life of my children like I could when they were little, and even if I don’t understand how they might feel about certain issues, I will always and forever love them and can’t fathom having another dead child. Even saying that term hurts me more than anyone can possibly imagine.

I know not everyone will understand this post, but perhaps this post is just for me.  That’s ok, as the main purpose of this blog is to help me and/or to help Roy, so if it does that in any particular post, that’s great.  Nevertheless … if it helps someone else along the way … that’s even better, as our goals in life include leaving the world a better place by helping at least one person better handle their own day-to-day issues.

You know what, though? I really and truly do want to make a difference in other people’s lives!  Therefore, it nearly destroys me inside to know that I can’t always help my own children, some of the people I most want to help. This is, of course, their own life to lead and I accept that.  I truly do.  I merely want them happy and fulfilled in life, doing what they find most rewarding.

Perhaps another person will realize with this that they cannot be everything to everybody ever and that some people must find their own way … even if they are like me … the type of person that wants to be in control of situations around them and to take away the hurt of those they love.  If even knowing that helps someone, then that’s a good thing.

I’d give my life for the people in my life I love the most … my spouse, my children, my family, my good friends

As a mother, though, I can feel ripped up inside, because I fear having another dead child. 

Today, on the 13th anniversary of Keegan’s death, I think I fear that more than I fear dying myself.   







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                It’s a bizarre feeling, really.  Today would be, nominally, the birthday of my 2nd son, Keegan (at least legally).  He was born on February 29, 1984, Leap Day.  I was 29 years old and turned 30 the following July.  Keegan died in 2001 at the age of 17, almost 13 years ago.  Today would be his 30th birthday.  It seems odd to me.  I was almost 30 when he was born.  He would be 30 now, but in my brain, he is forever 17, since that is how old he was when he died.  I only had him with me for 17 years, but he stamped a major impression on my heart from the get-go, and it won’t ever fade.


                Keegan, I miss you.  Everyone who knew you or has heard of you misses you.  I know your spirit is around, but I miss talking with you, laughing with you, seeing you, hugging you, hearing you.  I continue to celebrate your life as you wished.  Tonight Roy and I went out to dinner for your February 28th birthday.  At midnight, we will release balloons to you, since that is the instant of your birthday.  On your March 1st birthday, I’m scheduled to be in Tahoe with your sister, Kara; your soon-to-be brother-in-law, Alex; your sister’s best friend and Maid-of-Honor-To-Be, Katrina; and your step-father, Roy.  Two of them never met you in this life … but they know you.  We have made sure of it, just as you have.  Hopefully, we will all be cake-tasting for Kara and Alex’s upcoming 4th of July wedding, knowing how much you’d have loved doing the same thing.  We’ll be going out to dinner after while up in Tahoe.  We’ll drink a toast to you and laugh and miss you still.  This is all assuming the weather holds and it’s not snowing over Echo Summit of course.  Be nice to us, Baby Boy … we want good weather!  LOL

                Happy birthday, 2nd Baby Boy and my most favorite middle child!













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